I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
(Insert slow Trombone SFX here)
Thursday 30 July 2009
It's another husband and wife joke...with a twist.
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
Friday 12 June 2009
Please enjoy 1978's 'Joke of the Year'...again
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks? "
St. Peter answered,"These are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that? "
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one? "
St. Peter responded, "that's Abraham Lincoln's clock: the hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life. "
"Where's Gordon Brown's clock? " Asked the man.
St Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan".
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks? "
St. Peter answered,"These are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that? "
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one? "
St. Peter responded, "that's Abraham Lincoln's clock: the hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life. "
"Where's Gordon Brown's clock? " Asked the man.
St Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan".
Thursday 21 May 2009
Oh My God
A very frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband. At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses her legs enough times till her husband says. "Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"
Yes, she answers with a seductive smile.
Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.
Nobody should ever have to suffer this again...
Yes, she answers with a seductive smile.
Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.
Nobody should ever have to suffer this again...
It's true...It's more bollocks
Don't laugh at this! Just do it!
I've done this 3 different times and every time within a hour my wish comes true!!! & My best friend did this and wished for a promotion and she got the call this morning and she got a promotion!!!
The last time I did this it worked for me too. I wished for a baby, and you all know what happened (approx. months later).
I had to give this a shot...
I'm So sorry about this, but I had to keep it going. The last time I sent this exact e-mail out, I got a new job and now I'm superstitious .
Start thinking something you really really want, 'cause this is astounding... the person that sent this to me said their wish came true 10 mins after they read the mail so I thought 'what the heck'. '
**
******
*******
******
******
**********
( , )( , )
^
*.....*
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN VISITED BY DR. Seuss ' S
'CAT IN THE HAT'.
He will grant you one wish.
MAKE YOUR WISH WHEN THE COUNT DOWN IS OVER.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
~~~~~~~
MAKE A WISH!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~
~~~
~~
~
~~
~~~
~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
NOW SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE WITHIN THE HOUR OF READING THIS.
IF YOU DON'T, YOUR WISH WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE!
I've done this 3 different times and every time within a hour my wish comes true!!! & My best friend did this and wished for a promotion and she got the call this morning and she got a promotion!!!
The last time I did this it worked for me too. I wished for a baby, and you all know what happened (approx. months later).
I had to give this a shot...
I'm So sorry about this, but I had to keep it going. The last time I sent this exact e-mail out, I got a new job and now I'm superstitious .
Start thinking something you really really want, 'cause this is astounding... the person that sent this to me said their wish came true 10 mins after they read the mail so I thought 'what the heck'. '
**
******
*******
******
******
**********
( , )( , )
^
*.....*
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN VISITED BY DR. Seuss ' S
'CAT IN THE HAT'.
He will grant you one wish.
MAKE YOUR WISH WHEN THE COUNT DOWN IS OVER.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
~~~~~~~
MAKE A WISH!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~
~~~
~~
~
~~
~~~
~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
NOW SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE WITHIN THE HOUR OF READING THIS.
IF YOU DON'T, YOUR WISH WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE!
Wednesday 25 February 2009
10 years old, this makes for a great vintage fire drill
Yes 10 years old and over 40,000 round trips of the internet. Finally it lands in the lap of the fire drill. Hopefully never to annoy or clog up an inbox ever again.
Thursday 19 February 2009
The Black Bra - actually funny
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you. Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you. Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
Friday 9 January 2009
Olympic Condoms - More Fire Escape than Drill
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "gold, silver and bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear silver. It would be nice if you came second for a change!"
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