A BIT LIPPY !

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed.  Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.  Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.  'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'  The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.  'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'  'The second rose is from my nurse.  She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'  'and what about the third rose ?' she asked.  'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He wanted to thank you for his new ears.' 

Phluffy Phuc

* A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" **  The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"  The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc." * 

Joke of the Week

Story about a man who drunk alot, his wife said "iI you come drunk like this again i'm leaving you" The next night he went out and got totally rat-arsed, threw up all over himself, he said to his mate, "If i go home again drunk she will leave me", his friend said "Go home and tell her someone threw up all over you and put a £20 note in your inside pocket, and show it to her and say" He gave me this for a dry cleaning bill". He got home and told her what happened, she said " Why is it that there are two £20 notes in your pocket?" he replied "Thats from the man who shat in my pants !!"

ESSEX LASS

 Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground. Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.' Sharon: 'Ok.' Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?' Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!' 

A classic festive selection of bird/women gags...21 Breast or Thigh related jokes.

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!.....
and of course....
21. I do like a good stuffing.