I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
(Insert slow Trombone SFX here)
Thursday, 30 July 2009
It's another husband and wife joke...with a twist.
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
Friday, 12 June 2009
Please enjoy 1978's 'Joke of the Year'...again
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks? "
St. Peter answered,"These are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that? "
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one? "
St. Peter responded, "that's Abraham Lincoln's clock: the hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life. "
"Where's Gordon Brown's clock? " Asked the man.
St Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan".
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks? "
St. Peter answered,"These are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that? "
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one? "
St. Peter responded, "that's Abraham Lincoln's clock: the hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life. "
"Where's Gordon Brown's clock? " Asked the man.
St Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan".
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Oh My God
A very frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband. At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses her legs enough times till her husband says. "Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"
Yes, she answers with a seductive smile.
Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.
Nobody should ever have to suffer this again...
Yes, she answers with a seductive smile.
Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.
Nobody should ever have to suffer this again...
It's true...It's more bollocks
Don't laugh at this! Just do it!
I've done this 3 different times and every time within a hour my wish comes true!!! & My best friend did this and wished for a promotion and she got the call this morning and she got a promotion!!!
The last time I did this it worked for me too. I wished for a baby, and you all know what happened (approx. months later).
I had to give this a shot...
I'm So sorry about this, but I had to keep it going. The last time I sent this exact e-mail out, I got a new job and now I'm superstitious .
Start thinking something you really really want, 'cause this is astounding... the person that sent this to me said their wish came true 10 mins after they read the mail so I thought 'what the heck'. '
**
******
*******
******
******
**********
( , )( , )
^
*.....*
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN VISITED BY DR. Seuss ' S
'CAT IN THE HAT'.
He will grant you one wish.
MAKE YOUR WISH WHEN THE COUNT DOWN IS OVER.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
~~~~~~~
MAKE A WISH!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~
~~~
~~
~
~~
~~~
~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
NOW SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE WITHIN THE HOUR OF READING THIS.
IF YOU DON'T, YOUR WISH WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE!
I've done this 3 different times and every time within a hour my wish comes true!!! & My best friend did this and wished for a promotion and she got the call this morning and she got a promotion!!!
The last time I did this it worked for me too. I wished for a baby, and you all know what happened (approx. months later).
I had to give this a shot...
I'm So sorry about this, but I had to keep it going. The last time I sent this exact e-mail out, I got a new job and now I'm superstitious .
Start thinking something you really really want, 'cause this is astounding... the person that sent this to me said their wish came true 10 mins after they read the mail so I thought 'what the heck'. '
**
******
*******
******
******
**********
( , )( , )
^
*.....*
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN VISITED BY DR. Seuss ' S
'CAT IN THE HAT'.
He will grant you one wish.
MAKE YOUR WISH WHEN THE COUNT DOWN IS OVER.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
~~~~~~~
MAKE A WISH!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~
~~~
~~
~
~~
~~~
~~~~
~~~~~
~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
NOW SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE WITHIN THE HOUR OF READING THIS.
IF YOU DON'T, YOUR WISH WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE!
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