Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole.
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!*
Thursday 2 December 2010
Re-igniting the blog - full of Christmas jeers
It's been a while, however, recently a new wave of awful has been returning, so let's stoke up the furnace again and start adding more fuel to the fire.
This was a brilliant email...
Subject: Pub Quiz
Once opened here's what I found...it's like Bernard Manning incarnate. Have edited out the really offensive ones...someone has to censor him.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod
after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Nottingham
but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache"
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said
to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my
room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
This was a brilliant email...
Subject: Pub Quiz
Once opened here's what I found...it's like Bernard Manning incarnate. Have edited out the really offensive ones...someone has to censor him.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod
after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Nottingham
but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache"
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said
to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my
room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Monday 1 March 2010
It would appear my Uncle is equally as culpable
A Dining Experience
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
It obviously is genetic and I and my brothers should now worry about this.
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
It obviously is genetic and I and my brothers should now worry about this.
Tuesday 16 February 2010
Plummeting to new depths of awful...here we go
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the......wait for it......here it comes
"Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. (POW!)
Let's hope this one never escapes and ends up back on the web.
"Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. (POW!)
Let's hope this one never escapes and ends up back on the web.
Tuesday 9 February 2010
Not even the kids are safe in here
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mummy', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied..
(Sheesh, burn, please burn!)
Tuesday 2 February 2010
A letter to the chief contributor of CFD
Feel free to copy, paste and change the name to send to your own father/joke spammer.
Dear Dad (George Leaney )
Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.
I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £ 15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Regards,
George (Brat 1)
Dear Dad (George Leaney )
Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.
I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £ 15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Regards,
George (Brat 1)
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